the question isn’t “how do i become more confident/less self-conscious". you have to let go of the confidence/self-esteem model completely to begin with, it is totalizing and self-effacing. a more interesting question is “what do i desire?” “what can i live through?”
I just finished a 24+ page single-spaced academic paper. Now that I know that I'm capable of writing seminar papers, I feel much much better about pursuing graduate study than I was before writing. It's very nice seeing what we "wish" or "want" be achieved by "doing." As such, the quote above is reflective of that, and reinforces my current mentality.
As of late, I've realized that I am again hitting a limit with certain things: jokes people tell, other people's company, what I'm willing to put myself into. In the past, I would feel somewhat upset that I wasn't into going out to bars and drinking or dancing, or that I couldn't indulge in "typical college social behavior." But now that I have a solid social circle, stuff that I want to be involved in, and coursework that is fulfilling to me, worrying about whether I'm a freak or w/e is a waste of my time.
The goal right now is not to waste my time, ever. You could also call this purposeful living.
The ultimate goal is to become the equivalent of a space babe heroine.
Space Babe Heroine is the following:
Strong, physically and mentally.
Active and assertive.
Ridiculous and kitsch.
Never gives up.
Asks for help.
Loves very deeply.
And wears a uniform.
I'm embracing organization now, so I bought tons of folders and a white board and planner. I have a lot to achieve and do this by the end of the year. The soundtrack to my mindset is Homogenic by Björk (without the gross cover photo).