Sunday, August 18, 2013

I'll Bring Back the Goods: Self-Bread Winner Space Lady Champ

the question isn’t “how do i become more confident/less self-conscious". you have to let go of the confidence/self-esteem model completely to begin with, it is totalizing and self-effacing. a more interesting question is “what do i desire?” “what can i live through?”
I just finished a 24+ page single-spaced academic paper. Now that I know that I'm capable of writing seminar papers, I feel much much better about pursuing graduate study than I was before writing. It's very nice seeing what we "wish" or "want" be achieved by "doing." As such, the quote above is reflective of that, and reinforces my current mentality.

As of late, I've realized that I am again hitting a limit with certain things: jokes people tell, other people's company, what I'm willing to put myself into. In the past, I would feel somewhat upset that I wasn't into going out to bars and drinking or dancing, or that I couldn't indulge in "typical college social behavior." But now that I have a solid social circle, stuff that I want to be involved in, and coursework that is fulfilling to me, worrying about whether I'm a freak or w/e is a waste of my time.

The goal right now is not to waste my time, ever. You could also call this purposeful living.
The ultimate goal is to become the equivalent of a space babe heroine. 

Space Babe Heroine is the following:
Strong, physically and mentally.
Active and assertive.
Forward thinking.
Ridiculous and kitsch.
Never gives up.
Asks for help.
Loves very deeply.
And wears a uniform.

I'm embracing organization now, so I bought tons of folders and a white board and planner. I have a lot to achieve and do this by the end of the year. The soundtrack to my mindset is Homogenic by Björk (without the gross cover photo).


Eline said...

Ugh you're gonna be my (academic) role model when I attend uni again! Not that you weren't before that because you're flawless).

I had a dream about organising all of my books and notes and it was so satifsying! I already have a plan to by hyper organised as soon as school starts (preferably before, but I have nothing to organise right now...); I'm gonna take notes coninually during lectures and when class finishes I'm gonna go right back and re-check my notes and compare them to my syllabus while making a decent write up of my lectures. My books will be organised and my notes will be tagged and colour-coded. I've already set it up in place and it's gonna prove so well for me to be organised.

This time round I feel more ready for this because like you, I don't care anymore that I'm not out partying or whichever like a person my age. It bores me so why should I? I'm gonna have way more fun studying and prepping for a future, while occassionally having out with only my best of best friends.

Let's kick some magical space babe butts this year, Cassie!

Camille Tindall said...

You're amazing Cassie, and I really admire your desire of not wanting to waste time. I too decided to manage my time more wisely, and really do well in school this year. I'm trying to unlearn my patterns of procrastination, and start to plan out times to study in ways that will benefit me and my wellbeing.

Good luck with school! I know we both can succeed!

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